by Johnny Glover
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Episode 57: "Eel Traps and Helicopters" (May 19th 1998 10:15)
The sad spectacle of Gary Tweedy's van sat, disconsolate, on the bank of
the River Snare. Water was pouring out from beneath the doors, weeds hung
from side view mirrors and draped themselves across the windscreen. Sergeant
Stumpsfield waved off the photographer from The Ealham Observer and turned
to Yaxley Farcett and Brian Worthington. His uniform was soaked. He was caked
in slub. He was happy. "Lucky you called in a professional, Farcett. You
may have responsibility for drainage and river related crime in this area
but when it comes to aquatic retrieval, you needn't look any further than
Sergeant Stumpsfield of Ealham. "Yeah..I've heard" muttered Yaxley to himself
as Stumpsfield began to wave his arms about in the direction of the helicopter
pilot. Since pulling the van from the depths, the helicopter pilot had 'parked'
on the opposite bank. After a minute of arm waving which became a cross between
a bookie at the races and one of those airforce chaps with table tennis bats
on a runway, the pilot gave the three men the thumbs up and headed back towards
Ealham.
"Well. What now ?" asked Yaxley of the other two. "Well, we can't stand here
soaking wet all day, can we ?" replied Stumpsfield. "Let's get over to the
station and see how the boys in the lab in Cambridge are getting on with
the stuff I sent them. We'll get a brew on and give them a ring". The three
men began to slither along to the Police Car at the side of the road when
Yaxley stopped suddenly. He turned on his heel and returned to the van. He
grabbed hold of the passenger side
door
and yanked it open. A few gallons of river water proceeded to empty themselves
all over his, now destroyed, suede shoes. He swore, reached in and pulled
out the electronic speech gizmo that they had discovered in the telephone
kiosk. Retracing his steps, he reached the road and climbed into the back
of Stumpsfield's patrol car.
with
eels, swarming in and out of the body, if yew know what I mean ?' At the
thought of this, Yaxley's hangover made a slight return and he nodded to
indicate he knew exactly what Stumpsfield was getting at. "Any road", continued
Stumpsfield, " Jack Miller liked his eels. He used to eat what he could and
sell the rest to the Skaters for their pub grub. So they'd got this body
up on the bank and Jack was filling a net with all these bloody eels. So,
Sid Oxborough turns to Jack and says 'I 'spose yew'll be calling for an ambulance
or somethin' ?' Jack Miller looks at his net full of eels, then looks down
at this poor old body and says 'No. Let's chuck the bugger back in for a
couple of more days'. Comments to collyinfo