by Johnny Glover
click here for cast list

Episode 54 - "Pull Up To The Bumper Yaxley" - (May 19th 1998 09:40)

So, there they were, careering along the dangerously undulating and winding fen road alongside the River Snare at seventy miles an hour. The river, to their left, had no crash barrier and had claimed the lives of many careless drivers in the past on icy mornings. As Yaxley gripped the wheel and did his best to maintain control of the vehicle, the on- board mobile phone began to ring. Brian, lurching around in his seat reached forward and pulled the phone out from it's holder . 'How dew I answer this bloody thing' he shouted as they flew round another tightish left hand bend. 'Just press the picture of the green telephone' answered Yaxley, wondering if this was the worst ever possible time to have received a call.

Up until thirty seconds before he had thought the car in his wake was just impatient, but he now realised it was personal. He couldn't stop, he couldn't get out of the way, he could only go forward at the pace dictated to him by his adversary. 'What dew yew bloody want ?' screamed Brian into the phone. He had got the wind up, good and proper. 'I want to speak to the organ grinder not the monkey' said a husky female voice over the airwaves. 'Err, It's a woman and she wants you Yaxley' shouted Brian into his partners ear and he lodged the phone between Farcett's shoulder and ear as he continued to struggle with the wheel. 'Yes. What's up ?' shouted Farcett, 'I'm being chased by a madwoman at the moment'. No sooner had he spoken those words than the car that was chasing them pulled out and drew level with them. Yaxley pulled closer to the verge as the two vehicles sped along almost scraping each other.

Yaxley looked to his right and saw, behind the wheel of a bright yellow Fiat 'Lasagne', the devil woman from 'Like Chips In The Night'. 'You Mad old bat !!' he screamed into the phone, and after a seconds thought added, '...and how the hell did you know the number of this phone ?'. The woman, who was gripping her steering wheel and managing to glare across at Yaxley at the same time shouted back, 'Because it says on your bumper 'If you don't like my driving dial 0462 666666. The East Anglian Water Company believe in letting their drivers hear it first hand...obviously !' The two cars then both flew round a corner and over a bridge where the River Snare met the River Ouse and straightened out. 'What's your problem, anyway ?' screamed Yaxley, still trying to control the van and keep the phone wedged under his chin. 'You !' the woman bellowed back. 'I followed you from the phone box, you fool. And now you're going for...a....swim !' And with that, the Fiat moved across another two feet and crashed into the side of the Transit van. Yaxley had one last long stare at the woman before the phone flew from his shoulder and he lost control. The van bounced across the grass bank of the River and into the water it flew, causing great surprise to the cows munching grass in the field opposite. As they began to sink, and made a grab for the doors, Yaxley saw the Fiat 'Lasagne' disappear into the distance.

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 45 - Episode 46 - Episode 47 -  Episode 48 - Episode 49 - Episode 50 - Episode 51 - Episode 52 - Episode 53 -  Episode 55 - Cast List

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