by John Glover
click here for cast list

Episode 45: "The Dog Slimmers" - (May 19th 1998 00:20)

Fred Ricketts leaned forward, poured himself another fist of whisky and settled back in his armchair. His old dog, Bella, lifted her head and then settled it back down on her masters boot. Yaxley Farcett was feeling almost himself again and beginning to find it hard to keep his eyes open. Fiona Morgan, sitting next to him, swallowed some more of the whisky and encouraged Ricketts to tell some stories. She had heard many of the tales as a child, when she used to visit Fred with her Father. Cedric Morgan became keen on shooting when he first moved to The Fens from Wales and would bring ducks and pheasants down to Cauliflower Drove for Fred to prepare for the table. Cedric enjoyed shooting the birds but didn't relish the thought of sticking his hand up their arses. Luckily, Fred obliged. He was known to the villagers of Barnham as Fred Ricketts- The most pheasant plucker in the village.

'Let me know if I'm boring yew' began Fred. He always preceded a long story with the phrase. No one had interrupted yet. 'Let me tell yew about Uncle George. He weren't really my Uncle. He were Fathers Uncle; his Mothers brother. But that don't matter, much. He moved in with Father when he were ninety one and had found out he were dying of cancer. He used to sit around, just like we are now and tell me stories. I were only about seventeen at the time and keen to hear about my family. Anyroad, he worked as a shepherd in Ealham when he were an 'ol bor and didn't make a lot of money, so him and one of his mates decided to do something about it. They were lodging in a hay barn at the time just acrorst the road from The Railway Tavern and they had plenty of space so they decided to become 'dog slimmers'.

There were a lot of posh old ladies that lived up Cambridge Road and they had fat old dogs they used to treat like kids. They used to feed 'em steaks and all the best cuts and they lived better than George and his mate. So George put an advert in the Paper. 'George Dixon', yis I know, he were one of that family, 'And Partner'- 'Canine Consultants respecting Weight Loss and Obedience'. Two guineas for a months treatment. Anyway, these old biddies used to turn up with their fat old child substitutes, I 'spose yewed call 'em now, and George and Bridges, I'll explain his name later, would put on a couple of white coats they'd stole from the hospital. The old biddies would disappear and the 'treatment' would begin.

They used to give 'em water for the first week and then a few biscuits for the next three weeks. When the 'ol dogs were back to a decent size, George would tell the owners to come and pick up their, now fit and healthy, dogs. The 'ol dogs were so pleased to see their owners agin, realising they'd be back on the steaks afore long, that they nearly knocked them over in excitement. George used to furrow his brow and say very seriously that it's be another shilling on top of the two guineas because the price of the 'special chemicals' used in the treatment had gone up. They used to pay it and go away happy.'

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 18 - Episode 19 - Episode 20 - Episode 21 - Episode 22 -  Episode 23 - Episode 24 -  Episode 25 - Episode 26 -  Episode 27 - Episode 28 - Episode 29 - Episode 30 - Episode 31 - Episode 32 - Episode 33 - Episode 34 - Episode 35 - Episode 36 - Episode 37 - Episode 38 - Episode 39 - Episode 40 - Episode 41 - Episode 42 - Episode 43 - Episode 44 - Episode 46 - Cast List and Episode Index

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