by John Glover
click here for cast list

Episode 18: "The Cake Tin From Hell" (May 18th 1998 4.10pm)

Daisy walked back from the pantry clutching her cake tin proudly as if she were about to show off a new grandchild. She was in her element; a room full of men to feed. John and Darren had now been joined by Brian. For some strange reason he had brought along the funny looking Policeman, Yaxley Farcett. Daisy looked across the kitchen at Farcett. 'I 'spose yule want a bloomin' cake 'an all woancher ?' Ignoring the worried looking glances from John and Darren, he nodded, fully aware that anyone over fifty years of age takes it personally if you refuse an offer of food.

. Daisy poured out cups of tea for the men and then placed the Cake Tin From Hell on the kitchen table. 'Now then ! Who wants a fancy !!' John mentioned something about having had a huge lunch with his wife, Anne, only a couple of hours before. Darren said he had been eating crisps all afternoon and Brian explained that he had been overdoing the Hobnobs a bit too much lately. Yaxley, as the newcomer, and keen to get into a potential witnesses good books bravely enthused 'Yes please. I'm starving.' Although three of the four had indicated that they were not in the mood, or in Fen parlance, 'Hoved', Daisy Worthington completely ignored them. 'Go on. Get 'em down you. Yor all working men'. She eyed Farcett suspiciously; 'apart from you. I'm not sure about you'. She removed the lid and passed around the tin. John, Brian and Darren reached in and after a rather long deliberation took out their choice of 'baked delight'. Brian passed it onto Yaxley, whispering under his breath. 'Sorry mate. Your lucks out'.

Yaxley put the tin on his lap and gazed in. Hugging the edge was what appeared to be, at first glance, a stuffed toy. Unbeknown to Yaxley, this lonesome cake had first been purchased some nine days previously. In its long life (for a cake) it had been out on display five times, stood out in the sun three times and dropped on the floor twice. It had been around the block. With it's blue tinge and short growth of what looked like hair, Yaxley didn't know whether to eat it or comb it. Because of Daisy's failing eyesight and wandering memory, she was unaware of the horrors she kept in her tin and didn't realise that each tea time was a game of 'Cake Roulette' for her family. Yaxley was just about to shake his head and say 'Thanks, but no thanks' when Daisy sensed a cake 'refusenik'. 'Git the bloomin' thing down you boy. If you get a bit of fat on you, you might be able to catch the bloke what stuck a pitchfork into young Dixon's bloomin' chest!"

Yaxley conceded defeat and picked up the cake. If it had been a dog at an Animal Shelter it would have licked him for being chosen. In fact, with all the bacterial growth on this particular 'fancy', given another couple of days it would be able to lick him. Given a further month, a full scale terror attack on New York wouldn't be out of the question. Yaxley decided to be brave and chance a 'down in one'. He shoved it into his mouth and took a swig of tea to aid the passage of the 'fancy'. The overwhelming taste seemed to be penicillin. As the cake was proceeding on it's journey down his throat, Yaxley was having flashbacks of visits to the dentist, hospital and the peculiar smell of a freshly polished wooden floor has on the first day of a new school year. It was a scouring kind of a taste. It was bloody disgusting. He looked across at Daisy Worthington waiting patiently for his verdict. Yaxley smiled across the kitchen at her; 'Bloomin' lovely !'

The prologue - Episode One -  Episode 2 - Episode 3 - Episode 4 -  Episode 5 - Episode 6 - Episode 7 -  Episode 8 -  Episode 9 - Episode 10 - Episode 11- Episode 12 - Episode 13 - Episode 14 - Episode 15 - Episode 16 - Episode 17 - Episode 19 - Cast List and Episode Index

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